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Men, dun read this. U've been warned!

 

PLS DON'T EAT MY TAMPONS!

 

Can anyone explain to me why I continue to love and care for a disgusting little 4 legged creature who likes to snack on used feminine hygiene products?

He is ever watchful, just waiting for me to slip up and provide him with an opportunity to dine on bloodied cotton. He leaves no trash can unturned at the most inopportune moments.

For years I have thwarted him by leaving no evidence of my monthly curse behind. Tampons were the bane of his existence. Once soiled, easily flushed away, no tempting morsel to be dragged out of the trash and gobbled up despite my horrified shrieking when I'd catch him in the act.

Until, that is, we moved to the country. A place no self respecting city girl should ever go, no matter how tempting. I fell in love with the house on the lake, the pretty scenery, the wildlife, the peaceful chirping of birds and crickets. What can I say, I was naive. Nobody explained to me the joys of having a septic system. They didn't warn me that instead of the nice double quilted super poofy toilet paper I'd been buying for years, that I would need to start buying single ply, paper thin, crappy asswipe (no pun intended) instead. Evidently, civilized toilet paper is too much for a septic system to handle. Then it dawned on me that if my toilet was too wimpy to handle even normal toilet paper, what was I supposed to do with my tampons??? I asked my boyfriend. I asked the lady next door. I asked the plumber. And yet still I could not comprehend the sheer horror of it. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CANT FLUSH A TAMPON??? ARE YOU NUTS??? TAMPONS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLUSHABLE!!!! After 6 defiant months of flushing them anyway, I began to realize I was asking for trouble. Sooner or later all those flushed tampons marinating in the sludge of the septic tank were going to come back to haunt me. I decided to try and break a 20 year habit of “yank-drop-flush” and do menstruation “country style”

I try to be ladylike. I try to be discreet. I wrap the offensive item in toilet paper so the men in my house don't have to see them lingering in the trash can when they open the lid. But then, alas, there is the dog. The little bastard betrays me every month. He somehow manages to become “The Bathroom Bandit”

And so I found myself cooking dinner last night. Slaving away in the kitchen preparing a nice family meal. I was buzzing about, happy as a clam, humming as I worked as if I was possessed by June Fucking Cleaver. And then it happened. The boyfriend and 10 year old son walk in the door. Kisses hello, how was your day, yada yada yada… And as I happily chattered back at them as I pulled dinner from the oven, I sensed the uncomfortable silence coming from the living room. “Uh… Hon?” I walked into the room where my boyfriend and son were standing, and there it was. Gettysburg, the bloodiest battle of the Civil War, all over my rug. The dog had managed to tip over the bathroom garbage…AGAIN! He dragged out 4 or 5 neatly wrapped tampons into the living room while my back was turned and shredded them like confetti all over my floor. A toddler in a white room with a bowl of spaghetti could not have made a bigger mess if they tried. As I scrambled to dispose of the bloody tatters of cotton, I was made to suffer even further indignities as I was peppered with questions by the boy who wanted to know what was all over the rug, and why on Earth the dog would actually want to EAT it?? Welcome to my own personal version of Hell, the ultimate in humiliation. I kid you not.

So to my dog, unless you want to go out and play on the highway, I beg of you… PLEASE DON'T EAT MY TAMPONS!!! 

Are u the BEST Girlfriend?

 

10. She’s independent

No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she’s had a rough day at work, it’s great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can’t seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you’re suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great girlfriend.

9. She’s intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you’ll find yourself trying to figure out what she’s really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers - or if she’s actually thinking at all. An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored of her. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.

8. She’s sexual

While we’re on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into S&M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page - or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.

7. She’s beautiful

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus. You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn’t mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you’re allowed.

6. She respects you

This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. A great girlfriend won’t ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

5. She lets you be a man

Do not - I repeat - do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she’s a great girlfriend, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches. She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn’t deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn’t expect you to give up the guys for her.

4. She’s nagless

There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don’t want a girlfriend who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great girlfriend.

3. She gets along with friends and family

A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad’s stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She’ll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won’t try to get you to ditch your best buds. She’ll actually empathize with your brother’s getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won’t roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she’ll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

2. She loves you

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn’t try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn’t seem to faze her either way, and she doesn’t really seem to care about what you have to say, she’s either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there’s no denying that she loves you.

1. She makes you want to be a better man

Stop making that face… any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love